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FlurbCo Receives Humanitarian Award from FlurbCo Trophy Manufacturing Subsidiary

FlurbCo Receives Humanitarian Award from FlurbCo Trophy Manufacturing Subsidiary

March 8, 2022
Jill Habersnash
Jill Habersnash
Executive VP of Impact

FlurbCo is more than just a solid corporate citizen. The philanthropic work generated by the mega-corporation changes lives in communities large and small throughout the globe. However, you might not know that because FlurbCo opts to do these good deeds secretly. To avoid the bragging and virtue signalling typical of such large-scale philanthropy, FlurbCo has a strict policy that each act of goodwill can be accompanied by no more than a dozen press releases, two dozen at a stretch.

As a result, people don't think of FlurbCo as the force for good that we know it to be. Thanks to decades of relentless marketing and subliminal messaging, consumers are supremely aware of the great products and services FlurbCo offers. However, their brains are not crammed full of all the good we do in the world, which is a darn shame.

That is all about to change thanks to an exciting announcement from corporate headquarters. FlurbCo has received that prestigious Your Name Here award from Blue Ribbon Trophies and Ribbons, an Ohio-based trophy manufacturing firm recently acquired by FlurbCo. The award represents a watershed moment in the history of the company as well as an excellent excuse for employees to blanket LinkedIn with smug posts like "so proud of my team" and "so blessed to be part of FlurbCo's mission," partly because they are genuinely pleased, but mostly because they are required to do so.

FlurbCo's executive team received the award in a lavish black-tie ceremony held in Stockholm, New Jersey, last Tuesday evening. Blue Ribbon proprietor Bill Opel was on hand to deliver the handsome trophy, though he chose to improvise his remarks since he had not prepared anything for the event. This stood in stark contrast to the dramatic 90 minute acceptance speech from FlurbCo's Executive VP of Impact Jill Habersnash, a highly personal address that included a laser light show and a hologram of Mother Teresa.

"It was all very straightforward," said Opel. "Someone came in and filled out the order form. When I called to tell them it was ready, the guy said, 'Hey, can you put on a fancy dinner or something when you hand this over?' And I says, 'Do I look like a party planner to you, pal?'

The fact that, of the thousands of organizations and companies in the world, Blue Ribbon chose to give the award to their new parent company is just a coincidence, based on all available evidence. General Electric, Toyota, Apple, and Microsoft are just a handful of the major international companies who did not win this award. According to Habersnash, they were not even in the running.

"We were the only ones even considered for the award," said Habersnash at the after party, busily two-fisting appletinis. "As far as I'm concerned, the other Fortune 499 can suck it!"

One of the major factors in receiving the prestigious humanitarian award was FlurbCo's recent project building a school for orphans outside of Bengal. As luck would have it, this location is just a mile or so from the site of a major biochemical disaster from a few years ago.

In the resulting court case, jurors could not decide if the accident was due to gross incompetence or merely criminal negligence, so the matter was not fully resolved for over a decade. Eventually, the court found that the company, now bankrupt and all its ownership records destroyed in a subsequent fire, was partially responsible and that the employees who died in the incident were fully liable for the damages caused and lives lost, allowing their survivors to sue themselves if they wished.

FlurbCo, while admitting no wrongdoing or even acknowledging that they may have owned the company, decided on its own to build the school to educate the children of the workers whom they in no way injured or killed.

"I know how this looks, but I choose to look at it in a more positive light," said Habersnash in her acceptance speech. "The more mistakes we make, the more good we bring into the world. In fact, my greatest hope is that we keep making mistakes. I want us to crap our pants every day in operations all over the world. Think of all the lives we can change!"

FlurbCo's Impact

FlurbCo's Impact

Illiteracy. Hunger. Pollution. FlurbCo is changing the world, and sometimes for the better!