According to numerous studies, including very impressive ones with bar charts and everything, obesity is the number one health issue facing America today. While everyone has the right to their own science opinion, weight control does certainly seem like a very big deal. For most of us, though, losing weight is a hassle. And the advice we get from so-called experts is incredibly unhelpful. Exercise? Refrain from sugary, fatty foods? No thanks. Asking someone to abstain from eating the food they bought with their own hard earned cash is tantamount to asking them to share it, which, as we all know, is communism.
With the recent acquisition of Swell River Wellness, the FlurbCo family of companies has a new lifestyle and fitness brand ready to offer a refreshingly simple, common-sense approach to weight lost. The company's flagship product is a meal kit service that focuses on managing the daily intake of protein, known as the Protein Control Plan or PCP for short. No more counting calories or fretting over portions. With FlurbCo you can eat whatever you want and the pounds melt away thanks to the mysterious (patent-pending) substance infused into all the meal kits. Go ahead and have that second slice of cake. You're not on a diet. You're on PCP!
"I thought that I'd feel lethargic and weak on this diet, but honestly I feel strong as a horse," said Marilyn McKinley of Rehoboth, DE. "Seriously, find me a horse. I want to fight it! AAARGH!"
The Protein Control Plan has the potential to make quite a dent in the multi-billion dollar diet and wellness industry. Our internal projections indicate that we could be looking at a 10x revenue increase in the first 2 quarters alone. Also, it could help people lose weight if they manage not to destroy themselves first.
"I see that horse looking at me!" shouted Mckinley, suddenly crushing her coffee cup seemingly unfazed by the boiling hot liquid pouring over her hands. "Just who do you think you are, horse! GET OVER HERE AND FIGHT ME!"
McKinley then raced through a 6-foot tall privacy fence. Surprised and disappointed to find no horse there, she collapsed in tears, large cedar splinters poking out of her wounds like some kind of highly emotional porcupine.
This phenomenon is not uncommon, nor is it surprising. According to medical experts, people on PCP possess unnatural strength for shot periods of time. Rather than a bug, this is most certainly a feature, a nice change from the low energy most people feel when losing weight. PCP gives dieters the strength and vitality they need to run errands, roughhouse with the kids and visciously pummel a neighbor mistaken for a sentient traffic cone. No obstacle is insurmountable when you're on PCP.
The EMTs who appeared on the scene a quarter our later were not shocked to heat that McKinley had recently begun using the Protein Control Plan.
"This is the fifth one I've seen this week," said an ambulance driver who preferred to remain nameless. "It's getting to the point where no fence or plate glass window is safe anymore now that everyone is on PCP."
FlurbCo acknowledges that the meal kit packs a bit more punch than many people may be expecting. The wild asparagus and quinoa salad, in particular, seems to leave dieters feeling as if their clothes are too hot or confining or that everyone around them is a secret lizard-person. Thankfully, our legal team reassures us, and you, that the product is not liable for any of this since it cannot be definitively proven that the people in question are not of lizard origin.
"It's everywhere," said the nameless EMT. "Your dog walker is on PCP. Your kid's homeroom teacher is on PCP. Your youth pastor is knee deep in PCP."
Asked why he preferred to remain anonymous for the story, the haggard EMT replied, "Isn't it obvious? I'm on PCP right now!"
