As a top-tier employer, our selection process is rigorous. It has to be. Each prospective employee goes through at least seven grueling rounds of interviews, most of them strapped to a chair under the glare of a single bare light bulb or, for final salary negotiations, tied to an inclined ironing board in a simulated drowning activity. We find these types of interviews to be extremely effective as well as a great deal of fun. However, we have recently received feedback that some interviewees may find this a bit intimidating. In an effort to counter this, we present the following transcript of a recent interview with a candidate for a position in our Marketing & Acquisitions department. We hope that the answers will assuage any concerns you may have and help motivate you to join the growing FlurbCo team.
Q: What are the day-to-day responsibilities for this role?
A: Who's to day? Our business changes so fast, it's hard to tell what you'll end up doing.
Q: The job posting required 5 years of digital analytics experience and a degree in data science. I would imagine I'd be doing something along those lines.
A: Sure. Maybe. That sounds like fun. Don't be surprised if we assign you to blow up balloons at on of our many Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' firearms-and-pizza restaurants.
Q: Is that still a thing? I thought they all closed.
A: Perhaps, but we still need balloons.
Q: What is FlurbCo's work from home policy?
A: We don't need one. Since all of our employees live in the building, they basically work from home! Isn't that neat?
Q: Do you require employees to move into your building?
A: Absolutely not. Employees are free to do whatever they wish, but it just so happens that we encourage our teammates to co-habitate in FlurbCo Tower. It's fun. Completely optional, of course.
Q: So, does that mean that the company does not allow remote work or WFH?
A: Not at all. It's just that we asked our employees to consider living here and they all obliged. If you'd like to do something else, that's entirely up to you and your supervisor.
Q: Who is that? Who would my supervisor be?
A: That's impossible to tell until you sign on. They might be fine with remote working outside the building, but there's no guarantee.
Q: I guess I'll move into FlurbCo tower, then. I have a spouse and 3 kids. Will FlurbCo help with moving expenses?
A: I fail to see how that is possible since we are all work from home here, so it doesn't make sense that we would pay for moving expenses. I'm not even sure how we would categorize such an expense, if it existed. What you describe sounds like science fiction. You're very imaginative.
Q: Thanks, I guess? I'm still not sure I understand your policies related to PTO and remote work. Can you clarify that?
A: At FlrubCo, we're all about work-life balance and flexibility, as long as the thing you choose to do fits neatly into our system and aligns with our interests. No wonder we have made the "Top 500 Best and Most Confusing Places to Work" list for five years in a row!
Q: Does the company require employees submit positive reviews to get FlurbCo on that list?
A: Of course not! We simply encourage them to be honest, and it's a bit like the living situation, um, situation. They just end up doing the right thing in the end. That's probably because we only hire the best and brightest, and people who make choices based on their own interests rather than the company's are probably not that great or that bright.
Q: OK. I think I'd like to go home now. Can I just take an uber to the airport from here or do we need to do the thing with the blindfold and hood again?
A: Well, it wouldn't be much of a "dark site" if we just let everyone know where it was, now would it?
