Invest in FlurbCo
Investing in a dynamic company like FlurbCo can be a bit unnerving for some people. Numbers go up. Numbers go down. The best thing to do is to read all the money blogs and do everything they say. As we all know, the secret to market timing is to follow the crowd, usually a few days or weeks after the professionals have taken taken their profits and moved on. This "buy high, sell low" approach does not ensure positive returns, but it does guarantee an exciting investment experience. You may not see your nest egg grow, but you will feel connected to events in the market, and at the end of the day, isn't that what this is all about? Your smug neighbor puts his faith in moderately-aggressive mutual funds with their so-called solid rate of return, but he has no idea what it feels like to be in the market. You know what it's like to almost lose everything in an afternoon of high volatility and ride the waves of chest pains as you wait for at least some of that value to return. You know what it's like to feel alive.
Advice for Nervous Investors
To help ease frayed nerves, we have provided a handy chart to help you know what to do when the FlurbCo stock price reaches a certain level:
At $300+, hold steady, just imagine the price rising another hundred points. How dumb will you feel then if you sell now?
At $200-$300, things are looking good, but there's no rush to sell your position. Profit-taking at this stage might be premature.
At $30-$200, don't panic. The price is bound to bounce back any day now.
At $5-$30, sell! Sell! Sell! It doesn't matter what your cost basis is, dump the stock NOW!
At $0-$5, wow, that was a heck of a ride. Wait until the stock rises, and buy back in!
Worried about throwing away your child's college fund? Don't. We've seen their standardized test scores, and we both know it's a lost cause. Why not liquidate your 529 account, put it all on FlurbCo and get so rich that none of that other stuff matters anymore? Without four years of fancy book-learning, your child won't be able to articulate how much they resent you and your wealth. It sounds like a win-win. Besides, as a child of a wealthy family, your progeny won't need an education because as we all know, wealthy people have nothing to learn from the non-wealthy. So, college would just be a waste of time at that point.
FlurbCo has special investor tools for transferring your college savings account directly into FlurbCo stock along with other helpful hints for hiding this transaction from your spouse.
The Annual Investor Meeting - aka Flurb-Con
The FlurbCo annual investor meeting doubles as a Comic-Con-style convention where many attendees will cosplay as members of our board of directors or mascots from any of our hundreds of sub-brands. It's a lot of fun, both for our investor family as well as our FlurbCo team members whose attendance, according to very small print in the employee manual, is required.
If you're planning on attending the meeting/convention, don't forget to stop by the FlurbCo merch shop. There you will find all sorts of FlurbCo branded items such as oven mitts, IV bags, and, of course, T-shirts. Also, every shareholder also has an opportunity to enter the big raffle. It's very exciting. The prizes include a lunch with our CFO, a new electric FlurbCar, and a chance to testify before Congress on FlurbCo's behalf.
The event culminates in a keynote address by our CEO laying out the road ahead for the company. In the speech, company representatives are legally required to tell investors the "truth," which means that most of the words used are accompanied by air quotes. For example, the safari park in Hoboken, NJ, is going "well" and no visitors have been "eaten" or "partially digested" by park attractions. To alleviate cramped fingers from making the air quotes gesture so often, FlurbCo's engineers have developed a robot specifically for this purpose. According to our lead counsel, the bot's air quotes are legally valid. That is FlurbCo innovation at work!
