FlurbCo is a dynamic, global company looking for motivated young interns to help in our marketing department. An internship with a company like FlurbCo can be a springboard to an exciting and lucrative career. The sky's the limit!
Update: Liam Pankeiks, who ran the internship program until recently, is currently sidelined due to an unfortunate legal matter, something to do with humans and traffic. For the longest time, interns had a habit of disappearing. We had no idea why. We assumed that they just quit and ghosted us, but months later they would pop up in an opium den or unlicensed boxing event, their memory wiped. At least now we know. Anyway, while we await Liam's replacement, we don't have a fully organized internship program as such. So, you'll be more or less on your own with nothing to do, but for a self-motivated go-getter like yourself, that won't be a problem. Will it? Is it going to be a problem? I would be very disappointed if we had to have another conversation about this becoming a problem.
Job Description:
- Sit in front of a blank wall and study the texture of the paint as you wait for someone with an employee ID to give you something to do.
- Spend your days rethinking your choice of major as you consider the horrors that await you in the next half century of your career.
- On the plus side, we may forget we accepted you as an intern, so you'll be free to roam the hallways of FlurbCo Tower unfettered.
- If that turns out to be the case, we ask that you not engage in industrial espionage of any sort. Please note the signs above all printers and filing cabinets: "do not do industrial espionage."
- FYI: you may be asked to engage in a gladiator battle with interns from other departments for the amusement of executives. Remember that it is an honor to be asked and that complaining to HR will only cause executives to bet against you. That could seriously harm your chances of getting a job offer when you graduate.
Qualifications:
- You should already have completed another internship in marketing at a company at least as large as FlurbCo.
- You should have at least a PhD in psychology and an MBA.
- Provide 7 letters of recommendation testifying that you are:
- Hardworking and trustworthy
- Energetic and entrepreneurial
- Willing to commit unspeakable crimes for your superiors if asked
- Bonus points for applicants with more than 10 years of professional experience in marketing.
Helpful Hints:
- Please keep your resume to a single page. Remember that you're just a puppy. Nothing you've done so far is worth more than a few lines of text. You know nothing. You are dumb.
Benefits:
- It's kind of adorable that you're even reading this section. Of course there are no benefits, silly. There is no compensation whatsoever. You're an intern, not a real person. Ha ha. You're hilarious. I like you.
- Sometimes C-Suite executives will cater a lunch for high-level clients in the one of the conference rooms, and if you know exactly when to check the break room and can move very quickly, you can have some leftovers. So, there's that, I guess.
