FlurbCo is a dynamic, global company looking for a motivated, self-starter to be a Human Toy for the child of an unnamed tech billionaire. Playing games and horsing around all day, what could be more fun? Nothing, that's what!
The Human Toy position is a specialty role, so regulations regarding workplace safety are fuzzy at best. Concussions are commonplace but, in the view of the company, entirely avoidable with sufficient common sense and preparation. For example, to avoid being shot out of a toy cannon directly into a brick wall, do your best not to get put in the cannon. In addition to injuries, associates in this role are also at a high risk for a loss of dignity. But who needs dignity when you have the laughter and delight of a very wealthy child?
The employment duration is currently estimated at 3-5 years, but the contract will be terminated as soon as the child grows bored of you.
Job Description:
- You will have fun all day every day and do whatever the child asks.
- You will not question the child's demands.
- You will not make eye direct contact with the child or the parents.
Qualifications:
- You should have experience as a nanny or private tutor and/or have served as a Human Toy in the recent past.
- You should have at least a masters degree in early childhood education. We will accept an MFA but at half the salary.
- You should have a working knowledge of all popular board games and card games and be proficient enough at them to manufacture victories for the child. Do not accidentally win any of the games under any circumstances. Consequences include, but are by no means limited to, immediate termination.
- You should sign the medical release and NDA.
- You should have a positive attitude and a willingness to do whatever the child asks. Again, do not make the child angry.
Benefits:
- You will earn the satisfaction of participating in the development of a young mind.
- Salary negotiable and subject to change at any time.
- Room and board is included in the compensation package. You will sleep in a box at the foot of the child's bed.
- There is no paid time off for the position or, indeed, any time off. If left alone for even a moment, the child may become bored and extremely violent. You would, of course, be responsible for any damages if that were to occur.
