About FlurbCo
You may not know our name, but you certainly know what we do. Our products and services touch every aspect of your life. We are in the fabric softener you tossed into the dryer this morning. We are in the high-impact plastic that saved the life of a driver hit by a FlurbCo truck. We are in the chemicals leeching into the aquifer from a discarded FlurbCo barrel. We are as ubiquitous of the air you breathe. Without food or water, a human being can survive two to three days. Without FlurbCo, it is estimated that an average human being could only last 6 hours. Our goal is to reduce that to 4 hours by the and of this fiscal year.
Every day our consultants and engineers are hard at work delivering maximal shareholder value through innovation and problem optimization. Some companies endeavor to identify problems and offer solutions to them. FlurbCo, on the other hand, takes a far more enlightened approach to our business model. Our aim is to monetize the problem itself.
This unique maverick brand of business practice came about two decades ago when our visionary founder merged the company's Research and Development department with Mergers and Acquisitions, setting off a buying spree of companies in a wide range of industries. It's an approach that has worked well for us. In the words of our Founder, "why spend billions developing our own half-baked products and services when we can buy them wholesale and re-brand them?"
Why, indeed.
A Legacy of Innovative Innovation
We have spent the decades since that declaration buying up some of the most halfest-bakest companies on the planet in hopes of striking patent gold. In that sense, FlurbCo is like a toothless prospector waving our dusty hat excitedly and shouting, "There's intellectual property in them thar hills!" But then the prospector forgot where he found it and we end up having to buy up all the land in a 20 mile radius to make sure the gold is ours, all ours.
Is every company going to be a winner? Of course not. Our Li'l Glow Worm brand of diapers "fortified with radium" led to a slew of lawsuits and some very unkind questions from reporters.
While it was generally agreed that the pleasant blue glow of the product made babies easier to see in the dark, some saw the product as "irresponsible" and "reprehensible." How were we to know that using highly radioactive isotopes in the manufacturing process would lead to any problems? Still, the inclusion on Consumer Informer's Most Unbelievably Unsafe Products list for that year led to a significant boost in the stock price. Live and learn.
This spirit of innovation is rooted in a company culture that values employees like members of our family. When our employees pass each other in the hallways of FlurbCo Tower, they greet each other the FlurbCo way. What started off as a formal "Happy FlurbCo to you" shortened over time to the more colloquial "F you." If you tour the building you will witness everyone doing it, from the C suite executives down to the sneaker-making children we love so much. "F you," they shout, and in response you hear, "F you, too!"
In every industry, from our summer (labor) camps in Eastern Europe to private prisons in the United States, FlurbCo is there. We are picking up your trash- and going through it for incriminating information. We are making the car you drive, the phone in your pocket- and tracking your every move.
We are FlurbCo. We are everywhere. We are everything. We are the F, and so are you. F me. F you. FurbCo!
